Monday, November 29, 2010

the sky-; a dark pink, swollen with snow

she left on a train today,
[they tear her away from my bones]

Friday, November 26, 2010



i'm the best me
when i'm with you.

[right at this exact moment
i think i've fallen into something more than love
right at this exact moment
you've imprinted into a place inside of me
and i don't think i can ever
go back.]

Sunday, November 21, 2010

you come beating like moth's wings

Thursday, November 18, 2010

oh god, i am alive.



last November was all burned leaves and bare white trees

branches with dirty little children hands grabbing greedily at the sky
'more more more'

November looked different this year
older.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

you've driven me to words


Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back.
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.
-Plato



i don't know if i believe in love but i believe that without her
the spin of the world would most logically
stop.


Monday, November 15, 2010

.

i just want to do the ordinary things with you
like grocery shopping and laundry and
napping and reading

we don't have to fight and break up and i don't have to chase you down at an airport
seconds before the plane takes off.
we can just do this
together
for a long time

Saturday, November 13, 2010

a curtain of trees drawn around a nighttime body



you are the sounds of trains
that lull me to sleep
you are the radio in my car that pulls me through
dark country drives home
you are the one star that makes me believe
in the heavens

i would live for you.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

i remember the first time you said it i remember, 2:47 PM



there seems to be a miscounting, an another ocean
on the planet
my mouth is full of seaweed and your body's
the atlantic.


a pretty list of i love yous, lets take a minute
for the gnarled words like
sick and sad and crave; the ones i can't stop using because
i never learned anything else.
i'll scrape this into wood i'll pile all this
terrible in a pile and i will write
the ugliest love poems because i belong to you now.
i belong to you
i belong to you now.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

leave the uncertainness in a packed bag by the door

i stood tall on my arch supports thinkin'
'oh my god
you know i'll probably have to carry this all'

we spent our morning bells drinking
"oh my god
its only been the beginning all along"

so i ran ran ran to monticello singing
"oh my god
if the jump doesn't kill me, it'll be the fall












they tell us fear is nightmares,
shadows a little too long
cracked door creeping and the little games played inside our heads
[i always lose]

how about a girl standing begging
me to look her in the eyes and i exhale out of the side of my mouth
[smoking kills smoking kills
you couldn't stand it if she ever died]
fucking frightened
she will see my hands and the quiet things
that no one ever knows.

this is the reason for this blog

Sunday, November 7, 2010



"you know, where i'm from, nighttime is usually all black with little stars
but here its rather blue
from all the glow"
she laughs as if she's never heard
of an all black with little stars nighttime
then quietly

"i like that it's darker
where you're from
i like
that your eyes are still new to this"
she was so beautiful under those big buildings.

Thursday, November 4, 2010



the truth is,
i'd drive all the way to new york city
just to see the lights
reflected in your eyes.

the truth is,
i'd walk all the way to california
just to see
you.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

you're something special, you know that?



i've learned that happiness comes out of nowhere

like a bursting flash

i've learned that sadness comes out of everywhere
like a slow sinking
flood.


i refuse to drown
ever again

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

smoke

the endless expanse of cognitivity
i fear i created you in my dreams.
comatose on the ballroom floor i would 
mold create control
everything
in my head.

there's safety in the awareness of your surroundings, the notion of being 'present' in the world, so you stand, convincing yourself at the bathroom mirror [nearly hyperventilating] 
that 
you're really here. 
it crashes on us, sometimes, the finality of mortality and the possibility that perhaps,
maybe,
our minds have lied to us.
 it's when you see her for the first time. an experience so wonderful that it sort of tears at the fabric of reality; peeling it back like the skin on an orange because how could someone be 
so fucking wonderful?
and it's when you touch her that you doubt God because how could this be wrong in any language. the beauty of adoration makes Monet's gardens turn in shame but oh, the natural progression of the world, what comes up must come down, Newton's pessimistic fairy tale about how pointless it is to hope. but oh, hope. how she wraps us to her chest and holds us
tight
through childhood fevers, the cool hand to a burning forehead, and promises that we'll feel better in the morning. to doubt in the existence of morning is what we've been taught; see, life really isn't
fair. she breathes sunshine, or so it seems, and we bathe in it. what comes up must come down. we kiss with our eyes on our watches and we steal the seconds from fate, that
cruel
 bitch.
but love is not patient. it hoards your attention and demands 'nownownow'. love is not kind. it soaks in your weakness and throws it back at you. love is desperate. love envies, it is greedy and shameless and childish. love boasts, it beams. but love is not proud, no. love is groveling. love is chasing. love is begging.
so it's completely natural to be a bit of a 'debbie downer' 
when it comes to these things but love is the 
making-your-favorite-meal and 
counting-the-freckles-on-the-bridge-of-your-nose 
kind of excellent. in fact, it's so perfect that it doesn't quite make sense why you're lucky enough to indulge. it's the perpetual guilt complex, instilled by years of being constantly humbled. 
so instinctively, at the sight of anything good, we have reason to start to wonder.
i guess
if this is a dream then the whole world is inside it. even if being, if reality, if love only exist in the mind then maybe 
that's okay with me. things are going pretty
smooth as they are.
as of Tuesday, i've been admitted to my dream college. i will be moving to a big city next fall and i am staring my fears in the face. i will change under times square and to be honest, i don't know in what way. i do not know who i will become but i bet it'll be 
beautiful.

letters to erin



and love if you ever left me for a rocketship

i'd look at your stars and
close these camera eyes

hang the pictures with scotch tape
to every wall of my mind.

Monday, November 1, 2010

i'm not as sad [as i used to be]



i curl up with my computer and her body
around me like a conch shell
swirling and swirling and there is never enough endless
for me; oh restless petal!
you fall from the arms of my sky to the body of my earth