It was always dark in the hospital, they had those florescent lights in a strip above your bed. The yellow was unnatural and I was pretty sure it would give me cancer. I talk about it a lot but, I spent years in that little room staring at a plaster ceiling and concentrating every inch of my mind on stopping my own heart. The first time, I was just old enough to start to understand how terrible everything is and it was that light above my bed- like being forcefed some fake chemical sunshine. And after I got out, everything was the same but I was different. I was warm all the time like some volcano had exploded in my chest and lava was in my veins. I started to see what happiness could be like, what it could feel like. The sun began to rise.
You're always rounding that corner in my mind, the first time I ever saw you. A slight head rush from the spliff and my best friend at my side. Just waiting outside of a NYC hotel, trying to tell myself that the big lights weren't the same as in the hospital. And then it's you, around that corner with this smile that, oh. With that one smile you popped the hinges off and pried the frozen door open. I'd been afraid of letting myself feel anything for so long because I knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. I was clean, cold and strong. Letting people in just enough so that I seem human- living my life from a tiny room in the hospital. You did something to me, and I don't want to seem like I'm accusing but, I am. You did this, you were so soft and comfortable and I was scared that if I let myself relax for one moment something terrible would happen, like love. There's a difference between love and in love, and I built a wall between the two. I wouldn't let you over, couldn't open the door to my hospital room because you'd know exactly what I was and exactly what I've done. So I kept my distance but the fact that someone wanted me, someone wanted me even though I was so, cold. I couldn't trust you, you knew too much, you were too good to me. I had to find a fault, I had to make excuses for myself to not let you in.
In California I saw the light inside you. For the first time, real light. There would always be maps but distance was nothing, just mile marks and numbers. Light exploded from your pours, I felt a coastline in your skin.
and I was never giving you enough, holding back my love and feeding you piece by piece and you'd be just standing there begging me to look you in the eyes, begging me to stop being so afraid and I'd just, turn off. Power down.
And then something happened, I don't know. Something happened and you were already inside and as soon as I opened the door, you were walking away. I was too late. I woke up one day and you weren't there, a stranger laying next to me in bed. We held hands with cupped palms and I felt,
and theres too much that smells like you here. Too many things you've touched, looked at. I can feel where your eyes have traveled. It's like a tomb and I can't bring myself to throw out anything you've touched. A wendy's cup, a controller, the pillow against the wall that I haven't moved. Your back, your hands, your mouth. I see their dust, their fingerprints all over and all over me. The hardest thing for me to throw away will be who I was when you touched me. Who I was when you loved me. I was a better person, it was easy because you were there and I wasn't afraid you'd leave. Your earlobe, my favorite freckle on your back, paranormal activity and holding hands under a blanket. Throwing snowballs and pushing you down a hill. Talking at 3 am about all the things that were important to you. When I talked about my brother for the first time and you cried for me, you knew that I needed to and I couldnt so you cried for me. Your living room with big open windows, your warm shirt and your heartbeat to my cheek. Our noses fitting like puzzle pieces. The way you tensed and shook around me. The way you taste, your lips. The lean tendons in your neck, The way you smell. The way my heart was beating on webcam. The excitement of knowing you. Learning each others bodies. Cornering you in the shower. How you made me feel the first time. How it felt before we knew this would ever end. The good times, the fights. Being so fucking scared. Pulling your shirt over your head. Waking up to something safe next to me. The feeling before we saw each other. The airports. The street signs. Driving home from the city in the dark with Danny sleeping. Picking heather up from school one night and texting you, when I came home you told me you were scared I got into a car accident. A whisper. Your eyelashes. A kiss. Oh, a kiss. Our kisses.
I ignored you so much, I gave you nothing, I treated you like I wanted you to leave and you left. I missed you by minutes. I missed you by weeks. I know I'm late. I know you waited.
I was going to pull that huge stunt, the movie end scene where I show up with flowers and
tell you that I'll never leave. I thought I had time, I missed you by minutes, I swear. And the thought of you belonging to anyone else makes me sick. ["you're my girl"] And waking up every ten minutes, throwing my arm over to the other side of the bed and remembering. And throwing up. And remembering.
And I'm letting it go now. I can't make you love me, I can't make you come back. I can't go back in time and catch you sooner, make you stay. I know how much it hurt you, I know you waited, I know you need me there to scratch your back and tell you stories and tickle you. I just want to go back and do it all over, feel those things with you, show you how much you really made me believe in myself. I'd go back and do it all over just to feel you falling in love with me again, what you being in love with me felt like. I'd do just about anything in the world to feel that again but it's different now, because now I know that you won't always be there. I know that you couldn't wait. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to anything like before because it felt so good, so pure. It was one of the purest things I've ever had. It was just love, pure love. So my heart is screaming stay and clutching the pillow and concentrating every inch of my brain on stopping, shutting down.
"if you ever left me i think i'd drink so much orange juice that i'd die."
Everything had to end, I understand that and always will, I just thought I'd have some more time.
your inhaler under my pillow your clothes you left in my closet.
the yellow ticket from your luggage your side of the bed
my guitar that i learned songs for you on my computer my phone
half full cups of arizona ice tea on my dresser
what hurts the most is knowing that its no ones fault.
i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you istill love you i still love you i still love you i still love you i still love you
"you may tire of me as our December sun is setting because i'm not who i used to be. no longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below." -death cab for cutie, 'brothers on a hotel bed'
-------------- i understand this blog has been seriously lagging lately- the writings shit, the updates are rare and short and for that i apologize. sometimes things in your life change, sometimes you change and sometimes you don't, which is the problem. i feel like i am talking to an empty hallway. is anyone even fucking there?
"touch me again" she hums. and it's the first time for you but nothing is right and her hair isn't the right shade of blond.
4 years later-
"Erin." i whisper to her bare neck; my breath- wind over the restless fields of her skin. my body is molten. she crawls up the length of me and holds my eyes with hers. she is walking through the valleys between the grooves of my fingerprint and i come beating like bird wings.
the mania hit her like a wave, the super powers of never needing food or water or sleep because she'd surpassed that, a fast machine all mechanical and efficient and dangerous.
a marvel though, she was so beautiful. the way she could move as if she wasn't made of anything except humming static at the corners of her skin. a light bulb thin glass stretched over her bones and inside, blinding
she lasted five days and went out like a supernova; an explosion against the concrete divider in the road. it must have been beautiful
so, your honor, we burned her house down because that's what she would have wanted and we loved her.
she takes care of me, laying on the couch like an invalid. can't hold a job can't hold onto reality for more than minutes- i sink until she barely recognizes me and loves me only out of promise.
madness like a mouse comes creeping from the cupboard.
colors aren't right and the clocks rearrange themselves when i close my eyes. nothing is true. the windows bare down and steal all the air from the room, thieves. she is going to call the doctors, i just know. she whispers on the phone and looks at me too long. they'll take my brain if they lock me up; strap me down and shock me.
one night, i pick up the phone and listen to her crying to her mother and i check myself in the next day.