Tuesday, January 15, 2013

"i believe i'll bury my daughter before she's 25."
her father throws down a napkin on a half finished plate and 
she throws down her napkin on a full plate and everyone else is thinking it but at least they don't
fucking rub it in,
like salt in a wound
except she doesn't eat salt
because of the calories

i met her Rylie in Sophomore year of highschool, I was best friends with her
sister and we instantly connected, picked each other out from across the room and
sure, I'd heard rumors of the girl who was
dragged away by Doctors during Theology class, sure, I'd heard
rumors about the girl thinner than a skeleton.

i never knew her healthy, she was always in a state of wilting, see- she was made of sticks
covered by skin
a circus tent sagging, caving in on itself [caving in on herself].
we used to sneak out of assemblies and the school mandated
masses to smoke cigarettes in her van. we thought it was so fucking cool to
rot together
see, she
never really thought she was good at much 
until this. i never really thought i was beautiful unless i was
man, the girl could starve, i'll give her that. she talked me through the night and rubbed the inside of my wrists with motherly eyes. we were kindred spirits, we wrapped ourselves in book pages and cradled each other's depression like Godparents, christened the tiny heads of our dual mental illnesses but. i could never do it as well as her, maybe i was weaker-
i broke
and then nailed pieces of myself back together and i started taking my pills and, in a way,
 i abandoned her three years ago. i became the traitor, the enemy. i became what we hated and she became
a spy, a walking corpse with make up and she paraded for her parents and she fell off the face of my earth for awhile. i moved to new york city, i figured out why everyone always believed in me. i believed in me.

what do you do when your best friend cries because her sister has turned their house into a funeral. 
what do you do when your best friend tells you that her sister is thinner than when they forced tubes down her throat. 
what do you do when your best friend tells you to visit her sister because she's been walking the line for 8 years and she's going to die soon. 
she's actually going to starve to death.
no, she's actually going to starve to death.

what do you say when someone no longer trusts you because of your success,
what do you say to someone who feels abandoned because of your recovery.

she feels anorexic weak now, can't always 
get out of bed
and i still know how her mind works and i'm positive that deep down
she's proud of that fact.(it's not okay)

"i believe i'll bury my daughter before she's 25."
she's 23.

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