Monday, January 27, 2014

wikihow

wikihow has taught me how to:

  • tie a fisherman's knot
  • open a bottle of wine with a shoe
  • make french toast
  • talk to the dead
  • fluff my pillows
  • take apart the television set and cry with all the pieces surrounding me like a circle of salt
  • paint a room with my eyes closed
  • write
  • make friends with people who make me nervous
  • roll my sleeves up
  • roll my sleeves down
  • befriend wild animals 
  • tell if i have rabies or cancer or low self esteem or all three
  • smoke pot out of an apple
  • download hardcore bondage porn on a Mac
  • lie to my boss



wikihow has not taught me how to:
  • put the television set back together 
  • talk to people of authority without nervous tears
  • use Cronbach's Alpha to measure the internal consistency of a two variable correlation
  • use Cronbach's Alpha to measure literally anything
  • not burn myself with hot glue gun
  • build a relationship like those two kids from my elementary school on Facebook who love each just as much as when they had baby-teeth
  • make my computer load episodes of the L word faster than twenty fucking minutes
  • draw anything but houses that my Grandfather used to live in
  • throw away things that belonged to ex-girlfriends or ex-friendgirls
  • stop buying hair products and medication and kickballs from Duane Reade's discount shelf
  • love you


i had to learn those things
on my own.

for me, sadness is like my kitchen faucet(the one that sticks and takes forever to heat up and then drips, for hours, into the night). i sob heavy and hoarse like a cough into my fist and am
done with it(left with a damp sleeve that is persistently uncomfortable for the rest of the day and starch dry by dawn).
i store all my mourning for 10:45 A.M. in the winter, i grieve like Haley's comet- fast and hot every 75 years. i am the broken volcano that erupts from it's sides and bleeds fire into the hills, head hollow save for noxious gases, my body never crumbles in the way that the Forest Rangers
wanted it to.

New York has an awful lot of ghosts dressed as people dressed as ghosts
i want to grab the man who stole my cab and kiss him, i want to tell him
about wikihow and about the things that cannot be completed in seven simple steps



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