today a professor stood in front of me, pursed his lips and told my class that
self injury is attention seeking behavior
he says this without malice, without judgement
"immediately report to your supervisor"
he is calm, he is explaining, they are rapt with attention and it is unearthly to me,
it is terrifying to see someone you respect
about you in clinical terms as if you are an unfortunate by-product of hyperbolic human desperation,
i stare at him, mouth open, try with every ounce of myself to
transmit the pain, to force my experiences inside of his chest until they
bruise and bleed and stop his fucking
i want to stand up;
"Sir, i once had an alter made of dried towels and flimsy razors that i
slid under my bed in a cardboard box, Sir, i am covered
in old scriptures that you couldn't begin to read
in our tongue, you should not speak
of languages you will never learn. Sir,
i worshipped on myself,
i sacrificed skin to those same Gods of Overreaction with one prayer on my lips-
to never be found-
i hid in the temples so they could not stop my prayers, Sir
i stood naked while they strip searched me for religion.
do not tell me that i meant to do anything other than hurt myself
when i hurt myself."
i don't want to draw
too much attention.