Saturday, July 18, 2015

the wolf never comes on the full moon, as we expect him, but waits for the nights that i forget to lock the door. waits for the nights that i [claim] to forget to lock the door (girl who lies, girl who exaggerates). the wolf sees, the wolf lingers because i feed him. i feed the wolf. i sneak out after dinner, for years now, and throw him scraps. i pretend he is my dog, i pretend that he is loyal, i fashion myself a new name- (girl who lives with wolf, girl who defeated wolf, girl who fights wolf). sometimes, when i think about blood, i pretend that his hunger is my own, 
pretend that i have no choice but to swing that door open- (girl with no choices, girl with good intentions
but,
truthfully, 
i was always scared of losing the wolf because what would i do with all these scraps? what would i be if i weren't the girl who hides a wolf in the village? (girl who tames wolf. girl-victim of wolf). when they find me, on the edge of the woods with pieces of roast beef, they say- "why are you feeding him? he will never go away, the wolf is no dog and will devour you the second you offer your hand". i say, "i'm not! i hate the wolf, here i am walking along and he shows up, sniffs my heels, stares at me with those puppy eyes". i have held onto his torn collar as a crutch because i am afraid of being whole. being bitten is easier. i am afraid of things that are not easy. this is a weakness, (girl who hates wolf, girl who hates self, girl who hates wolf-self, girl who invited the wolf inside her home knowing full well what he was) 

the wolf goes hungry now, we hear him howl, still. i write letters that i am too weak to send while his cries still linger in the air. sometimes, that is the only way we know that he has come and gone- by how quiet and empty the morning sky is, how no roosters can be heard. (girl who blames wolf, girl who is wolf, girl who no longer wishes to feed wolf, girl who burned down the chicken coop with blood on her muzzle, girl who wants to build, girl who wants to heal, girl who loves girl, wolf who loves girl, girl who loves girl, girl who wants to apologize, 
girl who fights wolf, girl who fights wolf, girl who fights wolf again.)

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