i have often wished you into existence. dreamt of your sad blue eyes; i have known for a very long time that i will never have a you. the risk too great, it's like playing back alley dice with bipolar disorder. unfortunately, this time, they've got two aces up their sleeves and the odds are never in our favor.
i know that you are not a you, yet. a bundle of tissue paper, a bubbling break in the lava. growing, you are a seed. he is an egg, still covered in feather shoots but they're starting to come in a little darker. we call him "chirp" for his laugh but i think he will be a blackbird one day, you will be a blackbird. i've seen your nest, i don't think you'll be disappointed.
i am afraid that i could never save you in any of my dreams, i could never keep you. you were always a curling leaf or a spotted acorn (jake says thats how you know they've gone bad). you were always 13 and hurting, hiding, you were always too me and not enough her. the chance of the sickness, the idea of seeing you in pain was always too much to bear.
i am pretty sure that you are a girl but i do not know why, growing up is learning that things can true even if you can't explain them. that is one lesson i've learned, don't worry, you'll get them all.
little one, you will never be a spotted acorn, you will never be 13 and hiding. when you are old enough to understand, if your eyes are my deep blue, i will show you this. i will make you know how loved you are before and after. you will never face this alone. i've been crafting my deck of cards and now i know why, it's for you. i've been practicing all these years so that, when the time comes, i can teach you.
i will never have a you but i will have a you, that is more than enough.
i am so glad you're here,
see you soon.